I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
