Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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