you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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