Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
