oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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