The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
