hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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