i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am available for nakedness
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
