had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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