I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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