My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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