Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
