Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
