It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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