I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You ruined the universe
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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