i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
