At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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