I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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