Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
