the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
