currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
