It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
