I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
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But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
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It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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