Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
