her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
