I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with