I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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