the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
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Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
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Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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