The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
