so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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