Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
