i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You took a bar mat shot.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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