The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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