If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize