..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
