my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
