I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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