one might say we're banned from that church
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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