The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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