I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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