Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
