I accidentally had phone sex last night
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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