I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
