just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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