as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
