I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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