you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
