i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
