dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
