I wish my penis had an off switch
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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