i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
