I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
