Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
