I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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