I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
