she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
