you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
