I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
