Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You can't just leave with hair like that
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
