Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
