just come out here and I will go home with you...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
