Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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