The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
