I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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