WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize