By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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