i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
